Where I’m At: December 2018

Source: Yoshiyuki Sadamoto/Gainax

Another year, another NaNoWriMo failed. However, I don’t consider it a full failure – the 32,141 words that I managed to complete include 2.5 novelette manuscripts and over a dozen pages of poems (some promising, others…not so much).

I also don’t consider it a full failure because I wrote many of those words during a rough time. I’m still going through that rough time. As I’ve written here before, I deal with chronic depression that gets worse around this time of year. It hasn’t helped that I’ve decided to use this painful time to rip off a lot of old bandages and shake a lot of closet skeletons. Underneath the bandages and the dust I haven’t found anything positive, just more pain and that amazingly bizarre sense of loneliness that can happen even when surrounded by people who love me. To be less dramatic about it, I feel like crap and nothing I pursue right now will bring me happiness. I just have to wait for this all to pass.

But waiting sucks. Diversionary tactics are necessary, so I’ve commenced Mecha Depression Fest 2k18. Mecha Depression Fest is exactly what its name suggests: I create a low-pressure atmosphere where I can sit in front of the TV and binge-watch the saddest mecha anime I can find for hours or days. Last year’s fest was the first; I wrote about it here. It was cathartic to cry along with broken mecha pilots, exploding space colonies, and the end of the Universe. The first fest featured a variety of mecha, including Gundam 0080, Space Runaway Ideon, and Gunbuster. This year, partly in response to Netflix’s big announcement, I am sticking to the Neon Genesis Evangelion franchise, starting with the Rebuild film series.

It takes time to heal, and I am going to use that time crying about giant robots for as long as I possibly can.

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